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Dear god.

I've never been so terrified. I've been scared before, sure, but never like this. I mean, how do you ask someone what you're supposed to do if they don't come home? How can he answer a question like that? But at the same time, I don't know what I'd do. I can't begin to imagine spending the rest of forever without him on the other end of the phone, on the other side of the computer, here, with me. I can't even imagine raising Eydon without him. I can't fathom Eydon having no one there for him like that. He'd have me, but I'll never be enough. I'll have Eydon but... a son is no husband. I... I am terrified. I can't stomach the thought of losing my best friend. I'm filled with a kind of crazy desperation. A need, a clawing raging hunger to be able to DO something. And I can't. There's nothing for me to do.

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that it was sometime between now and the 9th- that's when he gets on that plane and comes home. I dreamed that I had been asleep, napping for some reason, and for some unknown reason, no one told me when it happened but I awoke (in the dream) from my nap to find out Dennis's body had been delivered to the house. He'd been killed. I dreamed that I couldn't believe it was him, at first filled with disbelief. This kind of presumptuous "You're wrong, I know better". I was calm, even. Then I went and I looked, inside his makeshift small white coffin that was in the dining room... there was so much blood. It was almost as if he didn't have a face, so to be perfectly fair- I couldn't TECHNICALLY confirm the identity. But when I looked I went into hysterics. It was all "that can't be him" and "it's a mistake". I remember in the dream standing in the kitchen and thinking "oh my god... I have to raise Eydon by myself" and "Dear god, I'm so young what do I do". I remember even going as far as taking a phone and trying to call him. I remember picking the phone up and dialing number and it ringing... oh god the ringing. This sort of short, unforgivable 'BBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRR'. Three of them, then that short musical dial tone that means its connecting to overseas, the one that kind of goes "DAHNDAHNDAAAAAAAAH" and just... ringing. I managed to make myself wake up then.

The first thing I did upon waking up was get online. I immediately grabbed my computer to buzz Dennis and ask if he could talk. I'd had a terrible nightmare. When he responds he asks about my dream, so I tell him. His immediate response was this "I'm on alert. Go turn on the news."

North Korea had attacked South Korea. I burst into tears. Again I start wondering, dear god... What if. What if.

What if.

What if all the planning I always do is suddenly turned inside out. What if "till death do us part" suddenly becomes a funeral before I even turn 20. Before Eydon turns 2. I don't want to be a gold star family, but then, who does. I can't help but wonder if this is what deployment will feel like. I don't know if I can do this. I just don't.

The next 24 hours will be hell. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm NOT supposed to watch the news, but... I can't help it. I know that if they're going to do it, watching the news won't make it easier. It won't bring him back. I'm absolutely terrified of what I will do if I lose him. I'm terrified of the thought of losing him. I don't want my best friend to be taken away. He's my best friend.

My BEST friend.

I wait. All I can do is wait and pray. And pray. And pray some more. Meanwhile, I'll hold back the tears for the moment. It's all I can do. Well, that and sit by the computer and pray that he is still on the other end when I need him.

: /

Urination directly after intercourse DOES NOT PREVENT PREGNANCY. Geez.

It's just one of those nights.

And I hate those nights.
I couldn't take my medication this morning, which is contributing a lot to my mood. But I still hate it.
I'm in a nasty foul terrible mood too.
I hate it.
I don't think I had a particularly bad day, I think it has a lot more to do with just the lack of medication. But I have started trying to email Dennis every day. I have also tried to post here every day, but I fail sometimes. :'(
I feel better when I email him I think. It tends to be the best I'm going to get at the time. Right now is the time. He won't be back from the field until like the middle of April. I think I just miss him a whole lot right now. This is a sucky time to be alone with a sick baby. Yeah. Eydon is sick. We THINK it's his teeth, but he's had a fever since Thursday off and on. It makes me feel so useless when he's just rolling around crying because he's miserable and there's nothing I can do about it but hold him and try to make him feel better. One of the worst feelings in the world is knowing you can't help your baby. It's like that when he has his terrors too. He just cries and screams and flails because he doesn't know he's asleep. The worst one he ever had brought me to tears. He just cried and screamed and I just couldn't help him... I hate knowing I can't make it better. He's the most important person in my life the one thing that keeps me going while Dennis is gone, and I just can't make it better.
I'm just pissy about everything right now. Had another one of "those" conversations with my mom basically just about how I never want my Eydon to be raised like Mackenzie, but that Paige is Paige so more power to her. I just don't want him to be 12 years old with the naivete of an 8 year old. I understand not wanting to throw your kid to the wolves. Believe me. I know. But I don't want him acting like she does half the time either. I love her to death but you don't complain AT the baby that you have to clean up after them. I got news for you. The movies are replaceable. I guess in the end it doesn't matter. In a year, we won't be here. She's gonna wish he was here to clean up after then.
I hate thinking about that. I've noticed, increasingly so, that she brings out a really nasty side of me. I wonder if it's not just some repressed emotion that she happens to be the outlet of. I hate that. Hate. That.
I don't like to be that person. But seven years of that crap kind of makes it hard to forget and break. Whatever. I'm not there anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that.
On a brighter note. Eydon is getting to where he can tell me things he does and doesn't want. Like, when I show it to him, he can say yes he does or no he doesn't. He's so advanced for his age. I always said we would make super genius babies. I was right. lol
He loves books. Loves when I read to him. I should read to him more. He's gotten some new books for Easter, and I got him some other wonderful stuff. I have to get the basket this week.
I need to redo the dye in my hair tomorrow. I hope I'm not too tired to do that. I have been for the past week, with him being sick. I haven't wanted to leave him alone long enough to do it, so my hair hasn't been clean enough for me to dye it.
Some days I can't wait till we move. Some days it bothers me that we're leaving.
Today was one of the former. Some days I hate where I am, some days I don't. I have good days and I have bad days. Tonight... tonight is one of the latter. I'm gonna be all right in the morning. I always am. But I wish Dennis would call. He always makes me feel better. I was talking to Paige tonight about the idea of Dennis being home for a few years. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of having another baby in 2012.
I think that would be the right time for us, assuming he gets to be home for a couple years. I always have better luck the second time around anyway. This might be the same. Perhaps I won't nearly die next time I have a baby too! Pft. I won't be letting ANYBODY strip my membrane next time. -_- Fuck. No.
Anywho. yeah. I like the idea of another when Eydon is about three. I guess four is more correct, since Eydon would be three when we start working on number two. I hope Dennis is home that long anyway. : / It would be nice to have that kind of time with him for once.
I'm going to go see mom in May if I can get my license next week. Or this week. With Eydon sick, we haven't been able to go. Plus the leak under the sink... plus all the shopping for Easter... I just haven't made it to the DMV. And if I don't get my license, I can't go to North Carolina. : /
I want to go so bad. I miss my mommy.
Anyway, I have other announcements to look into about other matters, plus my pokemon to train (haha I'm such a nerd lol).

March 25, 2010

I don't know what kind of mood I'm in tonight.
I think I just write in this this time of night to give me something to do. It gives me a chance to examine my day.
Today hasn't been very bad. But it hasn't been great either. I slept through a lot of it.
Paige was upset this morning because she may have to give up teaching this year.
She doesn't want that.
After that I slept from about one until like nine-ish or something like that.
I got up because I was having bad dreams again.
I do that a lot it seems like. I hate it.
I keep dreaming I'm with my brothers again. Then something goes wrong and I get pissed off and remember I don't have to stay there and take Eydon and leave.
Every time I have those dreams I remember that I'm a grown married woman and I don't have to put up with that crap and take my baby and leave. But I leave Josh and Derrick there. I think that's part of the problem...
That's exactly what I did to them when I left anyway.
I saw Derrick the other day.
I hope he's ok.
I miss him.
I miss Josh too...
I feel like I've left everyone I ever cared about and ended up with nothing sometimes.
But that's entirely not true. I have a wonderful marriage, and an absolutely wonderful little boy. I mean I could just rant and rave just about how awesome Eydon is. But I won't right now. The point is I love him and I would do anything for him. I don't think a lot of people understood that when I left. I think a lot of people just assumed I got knocked up and dropped out. Which is entirely not the case. If I hadn't left I would have had the baby beat out of me. That's a direct quote from my father.
I had to do it.
But I miss my brothers.
I don't want to be depressed tonight.
In other news the EEG came back the other day. Normal.
He's going to see the Neurologist some time soon and we will try to pick out what's wrong. We think it's a sleep disorder.
We don't know.
I was playing games with Mom and Tiff tonight too, and apparently they uncovered a body up the hill from Tiff. Or down the hill. I don't remember, and it doesn't matter.
It is apparently connected to a 17 year old cold case. Creepy.
I've also decided I hate Firefox's new version. I loved the older one. This new one, since it updated has CRASHED CRASHED CRASHED every time I've turned around. On the bright side, it doesn't just quit working and get stuck like that for ever and eternity. Like Internet Explorer. So that's a plus.
I would like to write. Just to write. I have a drawing I've been working on, and it makes me happy. I have a story for the drawing too, which is wonderful. I may draw it too, but I don't know. That makes me think of the first comic book I started drawing way back in I think seventh grade. I think I still have it actually. I don't know. There isn't a lot that I still have from before I moved. Papers mostly. I didn't bring anything with me when I moved, mostly because I didn't have anything to bring. Oh well.
Anywho. I'm going to go attempt to write.
I will hope that it comes out all right and that I get somewhere with it. Even if it is just a few lines. It's better than I have been doing.
Wish me luck.


I just think that I have no idea why I am where I am in life.
I always look at it like everything happens for a reason, though it can be difficult to understand why.
I love that moment when I can look back and just say wow. If things hadn't been just like that at that exact time I wouldn't be where I am right now. I think I had one of those tonight.

I haven't been overly happy about the idea of Dennis having a two year stay in Korea without me, but there hasn't been a damn thing I could do about it. I have been telling myself that if he was in the states we couldn't stay here and help take care of Paige and Mackenzie since Jeff has been gone. But then I read something tonight. And it made me think. Dennis, being in Korea for two years, will be getting back to the states right at end of 2010, beginning of 2011. And I read this:

The Army's vice chief of staff said by 2011, Soldiers should find themselves spending twice as much time at home station as they do deployed.

"2011 is definitely a transition year for the U.S. Army -- that is a year we see ourselves getting back into balance," said Gen. Peter W. Chiarelli. "We define balance as 12 months deployed, 24 months or greater at home. That's the interim goal for us in 2011."
(Full story here: http://www.military.com/news/article/army-news/army-to-reach-12-dwell-in-2011.html?wh=news&ESRC=family.nl)

And basically it's kind of solidified some things for me.
Like that if he hadn't spent two years in Korea, he wouldn't get to spend that kind of time at home, where I need him, and when I need him. And this brings a few things to light. Like the entirely possible idea that if he's going to be home for more than a year we could start thinking about another baby. But that's all speculative. Just based on the idea that I would like to have a pregnancy and delivery with him home the entire time. But again- speculative.
Lots of possibilities with the idea of him being home for that kind of time. It would be nice to be able to see him for more than a couple weeks.
To put things into perspective:
We were married July 31, 2008.
He left for BCT on August 6th.
I saw him for family weekend from October 10th to the 12th.
I saw him again on leave from November 26th to December 9th.
He came home for Eydon's birth on January 17th, 2009, and was home for 7 days.
He was home for Jeff's death and funeral from October 10th, 2009 until November 11th, 2009.
I haven't seen him since and it is currently 1:34 AM, March 24th, 2010.
Add all that time together and you get MAYBE two months, accumulated.
In a year and a half of marriage.
It would be nice to have two years with him
Also, as a side note, I won't see him again until December 10th, 2010. That's the end of this year.
And no, he can't take leave. Not because he's spent it all or anything because they didn't charge him for his time home apparently. But because he's the gunner now for his tank. He is too important, they require him for every gunnery and they are having A TON of them this year.
He doesn't have the time to take off since basically he runs his tank.
Oh, also, he was promoted and they are trying to get him to Corporal soon, so they are really working with him right now. Yay!
It's shower time.

It's Sunday. Again.

And that said, Dennis is in the field. Again.
For like... three weeks. Or four. I don't really count anymore.
Not a lot has changed, but I feel like a lot has.
Too much I guess.
I think it just has to do with grief. I think that's it.
I don't know though.
The EEG came back normal.
Not sure what that means. Because it doesn't mean that he's not having seizures.
I guess it just means hes not like... a chronic epileptic or anything like that.
We aren't sure. I'm a mom, not a doctor.
I find myself missing people I haven't thought about in... I have no idea how long.
Four years?
10th grade is long past by now. I don't really know why it matters.
But I do miss them. I think, again, that it's just the grief. Hopefully it will pass.
I hope so anyway.
This isn't a fun place to be, where I am in my head right now.
I don't like it.
Tiff is getting divorced.
It seems like everyone precious to me is either dying or getting sick.
We've had... I think it's 6 deaths at this point.
Since I started college.
In December.
Ok, that's not quite right. I'm counting Jeff's which was the first and happened in October before I started college.
But it doesn't matter.
Not at this point.
I'm in an unusual place, in myself. I don't like it. If this is how I handle grief, count me out.
I hate it.
I don't like the missing. I don't even care about the one person in particular. No idea why they are suddenly surfacing like this. I don't know. It may have to do with the need for something happy, and it was a happy memory we shared. For a brief moment in time, anyway. The ending was bad, so I have no idea why they keep popping up. It doesn't make sense.
Dennis being gone doesn't help.
I miss him a whole lot. Which I think has to do with it. Just this loneliness that comes with being apart. This is just an outlet I think. I do that a lot though. Over-analyze my feelings as an attempt at dealing with them and combating what may be coming.
I hate feeling things like this.
I'm afraid I will do something... stupid. Not like... hurt myself or anything. Just something detrimental to my marriage and child. Which is just plain stupid. For the record, not talking about cheating either. Not sure what I'm talking about. Just... worried.
I think I'm ranting again. I like doing that I think. I have fewer people to do it to anymore. Not that people have stopped listening, though I'm not sure if they ever were to begin with. Just... I don't have Dennis to rant to. I don't have that luxury. He's too busy most of the time right now, gunnery and all that. I love him. I just miss him an awful lot. I miss my mom too. Can't wait to go see her in May. ^_^ I think it will do me some good. I just... I miss a lot of the familiar. I miss my friends. I miss Ariane and Lauren and Luci and Kayla and Amie and Patrick and Rikki and everyone. I miss my friends. And I think they were the best I ever made. I'm sad to think I may never see them again after December. I don't want that. I don't like that most of us never talk. I hate it. I wish I talked to them more. Most of the time I feel like they've just got better things to do. I have horrible self esteem. I hate that too. I am trying to make it better. It has gotten better I think; I am not as hard on myself over my weight and body. That's good.
I'm ranting again.
Apparently my fingers have just started vomiting thoughts. I used to do that with my pen, but I don't write anymore. I don't want to have to feel what I'm writing. I wish I wrote more. I don't like to type stories though. I prefer my ink and paper. It's more solid to me then I think. I love the smell of ink. I love the look of wet black ink on paper. I love good pens.
Anyway, I'm going to stop typing before my fingers vomit much more. Just...
I miss people.
And if you're reading this, though I doubt anyone will, I miss you.
Now we are having problems with Eydon.
Last Friday, so two weeks ago now, he had an "episode" in Walmart where he was asleep and started just kind of shaking in his sleep. I got him to calm down thinking it was a bad dream and didn't think anything of it. Well Wednesday night, he did it again. Worse.
He was shaking and twitching and his toes were arching and he wasn't responding and it was just bad.
We thought he'd had a seizure.
Took him to the doctor the next morning and talk to her about it, and she sends us to the hospital up here, for blood work and an MRI.
After having to hold him down for them to put the IV in, they couldn't do the MRI- he kept waking up. The machine was just too loud.
Dr. Levine (his pediatrician) has called in anesthesia. His appointment is Thursday at 7.
Pediatric ANYTHING is extremely hard to get around here, so that was the soonest they could do it.
He is also going to see the pediatric neurologist.
But first, she wants him to have that MRI and an EKG.
Which is also extremely hard to get.
We may have to go to Columbus or Cincinnati.
We don't know yet though.
If it's not one thing it's another.
Wish us luck.

February 2, 2010

I hate medication. I hate that I need it. I hate that I need blood work to show that I need medication. Or just blood work in general. Don't like having my blood taken. -_-
I hate sitting up at three o'clock in the morning with no one to talk to. I wish I talked to more people from when I was in Woodrow. I wish I saw them more. I also wish that this town had something to fucking do so I'm not just sitting at home all the damn time. : / But there's nothing here I WANT to do. : /
What I WANT to do, we are too far out in the middle of BUM FUCK NO WHERE to even have available. Even in Huntington, this IS still West Virginia, you know.
Blah. I don't even know if this makes sense. I just... I want to see people. I'm gonna get my license, and that will, we assume, help. I hope it does. I hate being isolated like this. It sucks. : /
Maybe I'm looking at this wrong. I don't know. I just feel like I'm stuck between being the 18 year old I LIKE to be and the reserved, conservative stay at home mom/military wife I SHOULD be. I feel like I'm expected to push away some of the things I LIKE to do because I'm a wife/mom now and have "responsibilities". And I hate that I feel that way. : /
Because generally speaking as far as any one else is concerned, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I'm an adult. But again, it's that "adult" I feel like I'm expected to be that just keeps grabbing me by the shirt collar and yanking me back.
Blah. I guess it's also got something to do with the fact that I know that deep deep deep way down I want approval. Approval I know I don't need. And I hate trying to balance that with the complete extreme opposite and that would be lashing out and just doing things just because. And I'm better than that. I know I am. So I don't understand where the problem is. Just... Nothing makes sense. : /
I hate it. A part of me feels like if I were out on my own with my own place I wouldn't have these problems. And it's not completely untrue. There are things I really like to do and people I really like to see I generally don't partake in simply because of... well to be blunt the fact that I live with an extremely religious Mother- In- Law and super duper extremely sheltered twelve year old. And I don't want my last year in West Virginia to be like this. I don't know that I will ever have THIS again. And that makes me sad in a way. EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS HERE. I won't miss the place. But I miss people an awful lot. In fact, I hate the place. But that doesn't matter.
I think I just think too much about things. I let too much get to me. : /

AGH. It's been too long a night.

I live with Dennis's mom as most people know at this point, or should. And knowing that I live with his mom, you should know that I therefore live with his sister. Now, I love them both very much. That however does not always mean I agree with them. However, being that they are gracious enough to allow me to live here I tend to attempt to be respectful of the way Paige runs her home and raises her child, ESPECIALLY since if someone fuck with my parenting I WOULD KILL THEM WITH A RUSTY WOODEN COOKING SPOON. Don't ask how that works. But you get my point.

Anywho, lately things around here have been getting... I don't want to use the word tense, because Paige and I talk about MOST of the things and usually agree. Basically Mackenzie, being the 12 year old she is, has gotten an attitude, which I suppose is only multiplying with the fact that she just lost her daddy. But I need. NEED. To rand about it. Because I am so getting tired of the crap. Mostly because she does it to us in front of Eydon, and he is influenced by EVERYTHING right now.

Now, atm my BIGGEST peeve brought on by the fact that Dennis and I just had a lengthy discussion about it. And the subject is something I feel VERY VERY VERY VERY strongly about.
And that is that it has come to my attention that apparently Mackenzie HATES (as Dennis put it ABSOLUTELY HATES. hates. HATES.) homosexuality, and homosexuals as people. Now. Normally I don't rant about things like this. Not unless it becomes a point where I'm just like AAAAASKDJFALS;KDJFLASDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
And right now, I'm just having one of those moments.
It's just made me realize that GOOD GOD I don't want Eydon to feel that way. For one thing I deeply deeply believe that there's nothing wrong with it. I feel that love is love, and if I can love my husband and it be ok, why can't Susy love Sally. (Note: made up names/people) Or Jared love Jimmy? It isn't my place to say who can love who.
But this isn't supposed to be a rant about my views on homosexuality. (entirely)
My point is I realized how much I DON'T want that for my child. Like, I want my 12 year old to act and think like a 12 year old. I don't want him ultra sheltered. I don't want some... homophobic super conservative little neurotic nutcase. I want a normal functioning 12 year old when he hits that age. I don't WANT to control every aspect of his life. I don't WANT him to be sheltered to the point he's actually been mentally hindered because of it. Just.... Blagh.
I want Eydon to be able to see the world for what it is, to be able to accept EVERYONE. No matter who they love, or what colour they are, or who they worship. And to put it simply living here hasn't made me see things really any different, however it HAS made me realize all of that even more.

Damn. Sometimes this parenting thing is hard. Not the actual parenting part I guess, but the politics of putting up with other people and what they do with their kids. I don't agree with it.
But I don't have to.



In the new year I want to see people more. I want to do things more.
With things so busy I spent most of 2008 at home sitting waiting on Dennis and watching Eydon.
I need to get out more, and he needs to get out more.
I need to see people more, and he needs exposed to people more.

So this new year, my resolution is to be Brittany more.

So for starters Dennis and I are making plans for when he comes home. YES. NEXT December.

We want to get a few people together to try to go to something like Anime South in Florida, IF he is home early enough for it. It's typically in December, so we will either go to that or IkkiCon in Texas. This will be about a week long venture due to the amount of travel time involved, and unless there is a surplus of people, we will be taking our car. And a babysitter will have been arranged so there won't be a car seat taking up room.
You should.